Bitch evidently. Which is a big fat whatever... I honestly don't care what people think about me. I have days where I am unhappy... a lot of them.. Sue me. I cant help it. I love my life.. The only thing that really matters in it is my beautiful daughter. These people that always talk at me dont matter much anymore... Im so done being treated like crap and like a child.. Like I dont know what Im doing. This is dumb. Im honestly hoping to be moving out by the end of the summer. However Im not telling anyone but.. well whomever actually reads this. Its whatever.. If they find out, they find out. But im drawing the line. Im tired of being told that I dont care about things. Such as.. the house is a mess. Ummm Helloooooo??? has anyone seen my schedule lately? I havent much time to do any cleaning. I have other crap to do. Other things id like to do. That are very important. Such as.... going out and being an adult every now and then... Sorry but I get tired of the ones Im around all day everyday. I want something new and fresh to do at the end of the week. I wanna watch a hockey or football game at a freaking bar, and DRINK. Heavily. Sorry, but this job.. UGH! can totally drive a woman to drink. As can this family. Horrible thing to say, but I would have rather them kick me out and disown me just so i wouldnt have to put up with this crap. Then again.... Nah yeah i def would have rather them do that. Im just so fed up with the bs. I would have rather I worked my ass off for everything and not have them bother me than anything.
So... this isnt really why I got on.. For the last.. Oh year or so since I was pregnant I guess I could say.. I have felt just about every emotion possible. Except for maybe love. Im not talking a mothers love. That is soo different from the one that we have significant others. Which is, like always.. a big fat whatever.. I havent time to care about it lately. Well... Sort of. Seeing how I spend every day all day at work instead of doing multiple different things to keep myself busy, I have plenty of time on my hands...
But mostly... DEPRESSION. Yes... the only emotion I fear of having.. and I suffer from it on a daily basis. I dont know why.. I just do. Well.. I guess I kinda do. Statistics show that every woman, no matter how long its been since having a baby, will suffer from some degree of post partum depression. I guess I always feared just how badly I might suffer from it. All the stress and tears shed during my pregnancy doesnt help me fight the depression. It brings on the depression.. Or so I believe.. I dont know.. All Im saying is yes.. I definitely do suffer from it... But not bad enough to kill my daughter or even myself. I love my daughter and spending every moment i can with her... But sometimes I feel like I just need someone to tell me that everything is gonna be okay and to hold me when I cry. I hate feeling like I need someone to depend on to keep my depression at bay... and I def dont want to go and talk to a shrink about it.. I love living and breathing and being a mommy.... I just dont want to do it alone. And I feel I am alone a lot of the time. People either don't understand my choices or just plain don't back me up when I feel like it is best for me and my daughter. None of my decisions are just about myself. Ever. I want to spend time with my daughter. Bonding time. Something that is so very important to me. Yes, I understand that not everybody gets that extra bonding time, but it is something I have an opportunity to have. I just wish people would trust that I know what i am doing..
No comments:
Post a Comment