I know.... I know... I said this would be my last one for the day... Just have so much on my mind... Really... Not only have I spent a good part of my day thinking about the past and everything Ive been through since a couple months before I got pregnant... I also hurt someone I cared a lot about today. Well, made them feel like they were an ass... Which was so not my intention.. at all. I feel like, every time I talk about that ish, the emotions just come rushing back to me, and I'm depressed and upset and angry at the whole world again. Ive made huge progress since the ish started way back last year two or three months ago... Or rather, when everything came crashing down like no tomorrow in February... Sorry to anyone who reads this, my punctuation is gonna be horrible, its how my thoughts are being thought lol.
So, Ive had a long time to think about everything, go through some more ish from my high school sweetheart... no longer sweetheart obviously... Then decided that i wanna go back to school, and enlist. Yes, enlist. Not active duty of course because they don't allow that anymore... But its still in the back of my mind... well middle of it mostly... First i need to get my butt in shape. So.. after Christmas, I am going to ATTEMPT at a diet and exercise routine... just to get a start on where i want to be at, hopefully by the end of next year. Yes, i absolutely have a deadline, and i hope to make it. But I need some major motivation, and a huge boss to make me get off my ass and do it... unfortunately, idk anyone who would be able to pull that off, as i am as stubborn. And I procrastinate like nobody you've ever seen before... Why? no one has ever made me do... anything really. Ive always done what i was supposed to and forgotten about my health and weight... I'm not a total cow... however.... I'm not to far off... Well, I don't think so anyways... I'm ready to get my lungs in shape, my body in shape, and kick some ass. Maybe i should take kickboxing classes?? Who knows... at this point, I need to get my weight low enough to where when holiday dinners come up, i can work all that off too... Cause I'm here to tell you, I don't normally hold back on that. but, i might anyways this year simply for the above mentioned goals.
on another note. Ive come to the conclusion that, however much i miss even faked love, i don't need it. Only from my daughter and my family. I don't think I would've made it this far if it wasn't for them. And a couple friends along the way as well, to any of you who ever reads this, you know who you are. Ive decided that its officially time to forget waiting on love to find me, or to even go find it... because every time I've thought I've found it, i got shit on. Maybe I wasn't meant to find true love, maybe i was only meant to have Serena, no matter if I wanted more kids in the future... I do know one thing for a fact though, I'm done being played with, walked on, and treated like trash. If being a single mommy is all I'm gonna have worth having in life, then so e it. My daughter comes first, and then eventually a love life... Until then, its time to live life as I see fit, and maybe one day find the one who feels like i do. blah. its time to attempt to sleep, again. I have a very important date with a Mrs. Brittany tomorrow sometime so this blog wont look like crap, and it'll reflect me, as a person. Last thought of the night... I really miss playing my horn... :( time to buy one of my own??? maybe so...
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